River Rampant with Putrid Poisoning

Following the recent dismal catch at the Annual New Glabe Fishing Competition certain intrepid reporters of the New Glabe Gazette have spent the past week exhaustively combing and investigating the Ailsa River for any sign of what foul criminal activity might have caused this catastrophic reduction in ecologically-crucial fish species in the heart of our city. Though the foetid mix of unnatural chemicals poisoning the Ailsa’s waters defied our very best attempts at testing and identifying, rigorous and perceptive observations from the Gazette’s finest journalists nonetheless clearly identified abnormal and disturbing algal growths clogging and toxifying the sweet waters of our great river. The causes of this environmental outrage are as of yet obscured but there is little doubt that corrupt forces are at work in the shadows poisoning our city and its inhabitants, both human and wild. The Gazette’s investigators are resoundingly committed to uncovering the source of this abhorrent crime and bringing any and all perpetrators to justice in order that our river may flow clearly again.

Cutting-edge research by boffins at the Gazette has revealed that algal monstrosities such as that consuming the Ailsa River fatally reduce oxygen levels in the water, causing vulnerable fish species to suffocate in a veritable massacre of innocent animal life. This in turn has spiralling side effects in damaging fragile ecosystems across our nation and indeed the wider world. The ocean environment, into which the Ailsa directly flows, is particularly at risk from the poisonous chemicals it is being so treacherously laced with. Marine life is already at risk globally from outrageous and criminal overfishing which is robbing our seas of their inhabitants, so that whales, sharks, turtles, and numerous other treasured species are at risk of extinction in impending underwater armageddon. The poisoning of the Ailsa is only adding fuel to an already fiercely-burning fire. It is our duty as human beings of conscience and principle to fight tooth and nail to protect this planet we love so dearly and its incredible and beautiful inhabitants, marine, terrestrial, under the ground and in the air. The Ailsa is merely the front line in a much wider conflict, merely one battle in a much longer war.

By Captain Bartholomew Flounder