Fresh Honey, Dirty Money; The Dark Beesness of Charles Humphreys

by Seriffe S. Lemmings, ToBee Bee, and PheeBee Bee

It took researchers two years to decode the ‘waggle dance’ that honeybees use to communicate with one another. It took only a few weeks for this team to decode the complex financial crimes of one Charles Humphreys, current owner of newspaper the New Glabe Gazette. But with 170 odorant receptors and a sense of smell 50 times more powerful than dogs, if you need something sniffed out, if you need someone to sniff something out, you need nothing more than hard work and a strong communibee. Readers may bee aware of some buzz around government corruption, corporate crimes, and threats to the freedom of the press. All of this can be linked to one person; Charles Humphreys, whose position as Queen of the newspaper has given him the abeelity to suppress this information, but now the Truth will bee told.

Through analysis of the paper owner’s finances, it is clear that Humphreys has been engaging in an unbeelievable amount of insider trading all across the country – dealing with an amount of money that rivals the 1.8 billion that pollinators save farmers annually in fertilisers. But this apollen behaviour isn’t limited to Seldona, but also, much like the 20, 000 varieties of bees, spans internationally; in particularly in the country of Kotoraya, where he has continued to practice those skills he learnt in the larval stage of his corruption.

For an example of the kind of sleaze this kind of trading involves, we need only to look at the bus systems in this city. Through being tipped off by the transport secretary of an upcoming update to the bus system, Humphreys was able to invest in a particular bus brand whose value would then travel to the moon, just like the distance a colony of 60,000 bees can travel in a day. Nor is this the only example of Humphreys being involved in government corruption. Like a team of bees taught to play football, there is a team of pollenticians in the Lower House who have been trained to do Humphreys’ dirty work through bribeery – and this is not limited to the Lower House. It was once tradition to give a newlywed couple a month’s worth of mead upon their wedding. One can only imagine how much was given for the ongoing working relationship that Humphreys has with Viscount Davenport in the Upper House. We imagine they exchanged many hive fives over everything they thought they had got away with over the years.

We can also tell from Humphreys’ records his involvement with several controversial companies, chief among them Toma-Toad, who diligent beeders will recall from their many appearances in recent news. Bees are blind to the colour red, so even with their 5 eyes they would not be able to see the flags that Humphreys blatantly ignored when working with these companies. But I suppose it helps when you’re in control over who makes the decisions. When a hive needs a new Queen bee, they will feed a larvae royal jelly for its entire larval period. When Charles Humphreys needs someone new in a position, he will look to his friends, family, and those who have shown their support for him. One needs only look to his recent hires at the Gazette to confirm that.

So that’s who owns one of the great newspapers of the city; someone involved in corruption, nepotism, insider trading, and cronyism. Even with all of this, hive got a feeling this is not the last we will hear about Charles Humphreys, who will surely bee back. So for now we will have to take our cue from the key that honey bees tend to buzz in, and C you later.