Briefing 6

Esteemed Colleagues,

For once in my brief tenure as Editor, I have multiple pieces of good news to announce.

Firstly, I want to congratulate all of you on becoming the eventual co-owners of the Gazette. Thanks to the union committee’s successful negotiation with Charles Humphreys, he has resigned his position as Owner and sold the paper to the staff. While the formal process of becoming a co-op will take a few months, know that you are all, in effect, the owners of this paper going forward. I look forward to seeing the many positive changes this new leadership structure brings. If you’re curious as to why Mr. Humphreys has stepped down, I encourage you to read the article "Fresh Honey, Dirty Money; The Dark Beesness of Charles Humphreys" in Middle by our very own Seriffe S. Lemmings. Though a little heavy on bee-related facts and puns for my taste, it provides excellent information on the Owner’s wrongdoings.

Secondly, a number of individual commendations are in order. Over the past week, the Gazette has published a number of stellar investigative pieces that, even amidst the turmoil of Mr. Humphreys’ fall from grace, have restored public faith in our journalism. I extend my deepest gratitude to:

• Alon and Avery Damask, for their article on the corrupt bargain between Miranda Hamilton and the King that led to the proroguing of Parliament earlier this spring. Further credit to Elodie Van Wonderbee for providing recordings from Princess Charlotte's teddy bear, which proved crucial to the investigation.
• Polly J. Lux and Mildred Gram, for their diligent, painstakingly researched takedown of Sygyzy, which combined past and present evidence to allow for a uniquely holistic analysis of the company’s flaws.
• Sora G. Aros, for her article on Sygyzy and its numerous, confusingly-named shell companies, which used financial records to unveil a full-scale investment scam.
• Constantyne and Elodie Van Wonderbee, for their twin articles on the criminal and political aspects of the espionage ring operating out of a teddy bear factory. Thanks to these articles, police have arrested all members of the ring, who will now face justice for their wrongs.
• Lastly, but certainly not least, my heartfelt commendations to Stacy Peters and Bronwyn Davenport for their expose of the Viscount Davenport’s political bribery in support of anticompetitive rubber regulations in the Lower House of Parliament. As Stacy’s supervisor for the past eight weeks, I’m proud to see her grow into the investigative journalist that perhaps, in hindsight, I should have always known she was. Though I did not work as directly with Bronwyn, I recognize the profound courage it takes to stand up to one’s own family, even when others are sure it’s what you should do.

Of course, these articles are not the only high-quality pieces our paper put out this week. The above works, however, resulted from multiple weeks of diligence and grit. Any one of them would be fit to win a journalistic prize this year, so I will ensure the pieces are nominated. If you see these writers in the office today, I encourage you to congratulate them.

Beyond our paper’s walls, our colleagues in the former Environment Department invested much time and effort into organizing a large-scale protest of Toma-Toad at Parliament earlier this week. Besides some tension between the protest leaders and the crowd about sea shanty rhythms, I heard it was an incredibly successful demonstration. I thank the organizers for demonstrating their commitment to journalistic principles both inside and outside our working environment.

Not all is perfect at the New Glabe Gazette. To be frank, our paper is wounded. The Owner and his corrupt dispositions have caused many of us a great deal of pain. I would be remiss if I did not mention that I, too, have caused pain to many of you.

The past week has given me much to ponder. In the face of circumstances I’d previously thought inconceivable, I’m working on seeing goodness wherever I can find it. Our paper is wounded, but I believe it can heal. The work we’ve done this week, both as a business and as a publication, serves as proof.

Thank you all for your attention to this note. I look forward to further discussing the Gazette’s future at our meeting later today.

Warmly,
Aya

Dear members of The Gazette,

Congratulations on becoming a co-op newspaper. I hope it doesn't lead to too much of a decrease in your salaries.

It seems my company’s contract was paid in full by the previous owner and is with The Gazette specifically, not with him. Thus, I will be staying on for the duration of that contract to provide recommendations and help with any changes that you might initiate based on those recommendations.

After being here for two weeks I am ready to make those.

1. Most importantly, please for the love of everything, update your website and start a digital subscription system. It is 2025, do you really think the general public is buying physical newspapers???
2. Additionally, have you considered setting up any form of social media presence. Do you know how few people actually read the news anymore. You managed to use it for your little protest thing, maybe try using it to help the newspaper make money not lose money.
3. Make more puzzles and put some of them only online and behind a second paywall. People like puzzles more than they like reading the news. Your puzzle department has too much energy anyways and not enough to do. I cannot believe how many people work full time on puzzles.
4. Please stop trying to perform exorcisms on your coworkers, it's weird and makes the workplace hostile, decreasing productivity.
5. Stop being rude to people who come into the newspaper for an interview. That feels like a good way to stop getting interviews. I’m not a journalist but investigating someone and attacking them personally feels like two different things.
6. Don’t bring bugs into work??? I do not know why this needs to be said. People can have allergies and fears of them. This decreases the productivity of your coworkers.
7. Dress professionally. A bathrobe is not appropriate workplace attire and can make others uncomfortable. Additionally, it is usually rude to wear hats indoors and you should try to wear clean clothes. Why some of you have goose feathers on your work clothes is beyond me.
8. Wearing the color yellow, however, is not unprofessional. Some of you need to chill on that. Just because you do not like a color, does not mean you need to bother all of your coworkers about it. Personal preferences that do not interrupt the workplace shouldn’t be your concern. You are stopping people from working for pointless reasons.
9. Stop turning office space into interrogation rooms. This is a waste of company time and resources. It also creates a hostile work environment.
10. Please STOP BREAKING THE COFFEE MACHINE/S! Coffee helps productivity. You are wasting company money on having to fix the coffee machines and you are interfering with the work quality of everyone. I have had to spend so much time and money buying coffee elsewhere.
11. This is not the type of recommendations I have been trained to give. I do not understand what is going on in this workplace and it makes perfect sense to me that you are rapidly losing money. This is the type of things HR is supposed to handle. Please consider hiring a second HR person. (do you know how rarely I am supposed to recommend hiring more people over cutting down departments?!) Please also consider making the current HR employee take night classes on the current standards for HR in a modern business. Like really what were her qualifications for this job???

Dearly beloved and beloved dears,

If I have learned anything this month, it is about balance. Thus, in the true spirit of a cooperative, I will use this noticeboard to create some.

1. Shut down the website immediately. The Internet creates a security risk that highly dangerous criminals might infiltrate our databases. Remain vigilant.

2. You can follow me @canthischardonnayquestionmark !

3. It is truly puzzling to hear the amount of criticism the P&F department seems to receive. Puzzlers and fictioneers, repeat this affirmation: I. Am. Worthy. I. Am. Needed. I. Will. Keep. My. Job.

4. I mean, really! In all my time here, I have never once seen an exorcism performed. Some people just like to make things up…!

5. This one feels like more of an ad hominem than anything the journalists asked their interview subjects this month. Tsk tsk.

6. To the contrary – please return all bugs to work immediately. We are still missing upwards of 25 prime specimens… with excellent microphones, might I add.

7. I actually agree with this one. Please also take note that trench coats, seafaring captains' hats, handheld paper fans, pyjamas, green bucket hats (others OK), and anything else I don't like are not allowed.

8. This is not true. This is not true. This is not true.

9. Blah blah blah…

10. Notice how the kettle is not receiving a special mention? Someone is letting her preferences dictate workplace behaviour. How strange…

With kind regards, and warmth, and many hugs and kisses, (all of which are things you should end a professional notice with)!

from Human Resources ⋆˚✿˖°

You have been feeling like there's something big inside you that no one else can see. Sometimes you worry about it — worry that people wouldn't want to see that side of you, worry that they just want to know the chilled out seaweed munching little guy they've gotten so familiar with. I don't think that's true — if your friends aren't interested in learning about your hidden creative side, maybe they weren't all that good friends to begin with. Lucky numbers 3, 7, 265.

Sometimes people are stood on your shoulders, sometimes they're huddled underneath you. Fact is, folks look to you as a reliable person. Y'know, stable, and all that. Of course, being thought of that way comes with a lot of responsibility, and sometimes you don't feel like you can keep up with it. There's no harm in setting boundaries — and doing so doesn't make you less reliable. Lucky numbers 0, 7, 7.

There is a great darkness inside your heart. The same sort of darkness that exists in the heart of every creative. The sort of darkness that can be teased out, slowly but surely, and laid upon the page to create beauty. Lucky numbers 3, 55, 7.

A hundred thousand arrows paint the sky in gray. It feels insurmountable. Your life feels insurmountable, often enough. But you don't need to block a hundred thousand arrows — you need to block the one that's coming straight for your eye. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping someone else. Lucky numbers 0, 78, 545.

You feel small and insignificant. Truth is, you are. It's a big damn world, and there's a whole lot of pebbles on the beach. But you don't have to be significant in the greater scheme of things. It takes some time to come to terms with, but wherever you find yourself there's good work to be done. A single pebble may never change the entire beach, but it means the world to its neighbours. Lucky numbers 461, 41, 7.

Sometimes you feel like you're being twisted in all different directions, and you end up too much of a mess to ever put back together. Chaos got you here, but it won't get you out - you need to take a step back, and develop a systematic approach. Lucky numbers 7, 46, 6.

You're a rugged workhorse, and people often ignore the little flaws — a squeaky wheel here, a little rust there. After all, you keep doing what you need to just fine. But little flaws add up, and a crack in the rusted axle lets the wheel fall off. You need to take care of yourself too. Lucky numbers 7, 272, 18.

People think you're only good for one thing. Say, eating food. Maybe you think you're only good for that, too. But that's not true — everyone has hidden talents, not least of all you. For example, you could totally sharpen yourself and be very useful for fighting vampires. Lucky numbers 46, 35, 7.

Building a habit is hard. Well, I guess that's not strictly true. Building a good habit is hard. Building a bad habit is really damn easy. You might need to spend some time looking around to find what works for you. Both in habits, and in ways to keep — or break — them. Lucky numbers 9, 7, 9.

You wear a lot of hats and come in a lot of shapes. Honestly, this has always been the hardest sign to write for. How do you write a horoscope for a gigantic polar bear that's applicable just the same to a little mouse? The main thing that's always true, of course, is that you're loved. Maybe it's hard to see, sometimes. Maybe you spend months or years being ignored, or fall down the side of the bed and aren't recovered for a long while. But you are loved. I promise. Lucky numbers 9415, 65, 35.

You're not used to being angry. Not used to violence of any sort, really. Most of the time, you can't see yourself hurting a soul. But in the right circumstances, you'd be ready to get red wine all down someone's wedding dress. Lucky numbers 9277, 170, 534

Some people say that swords are not the most effective weapons. They're probably right, I mean– it's not like a sword can do all that much against a halberd in one-on-one combat, and the premier weapon for heavy cavalry isn't about to stop being a big couched lance. But damn it the sword — I mean, you — are just so stylish! that counts for something, right? Lucky numbers 7, 5, 11